MY JOURNEY WITH GRIEF AND THE HARDEST GOODBYE

It took a while to decide if this was something I wanted to share of not. However, with this being my lifestyle blog, I decided I would, as I enjoy seeing where people's muses come from (and I'm assuming I'm not alone in this) and this part of my life will forever be a muse of mine. So I hope you don't mind the all-words-no-photos post. It's extremely important to me, and will forever be one of my favourite things I ever post online. So grab yourself a cuppa tea and get comfy. This one is a bit lengthy.

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Recently my world has been rocked. On January 6th, 2015 I lost my little brother. And for those of you who have lost someone, especially someone who you thought the world of, you know this feeling. The feeling of not knowing how to even comprehend the idea of a world without this person, let alone accept the fact that it is your reality. 

I long for my brother's hand in mine. I crave seeing his lanky body running up and down the stairs. I long to see his name come up on my phone, to hear his hilarious laugh and to see his larger-than-life smile.

It's hard to explain to others where my mind is right now. Not even to my parents, who are also suffering immensely, can I explain what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling and where my brain is half the time. The only thing I could come up with was that all of this is like a human's first steps. The soles of their feet pressing down into ground that they are about to explore for the first time. It's like discovering balance for the first time. A concept so new, so intriguing, yet not so inviting. You fight to keep upright, but for the first little while, you lose and end up right back where you started - on the ground.  These motor skills are things I've had to learn to do all over again. Learning to walk, talk, breathe... live... in a world where there is no Matty is what I have been trying to do for the last two and a half months.

I am constantly asked if I'm doing okay. Nope. Not at all. But I'm getting there. Step by step, moment by moment, day by day. It's all a process. It's an open wound, and one that will never truly heal, but it's still just as painful as it was when we said our goodbyes, maybe even more so. There are moments where I feel like I'm trying to breathe underwater, and it's impossible. There are times where I feel like it's all just a dream, and it's not. There are times where I relive the three days of hell from beginning to end, and it feels as fresh and unreal as it did when it was happening. 

However, it is Matty's spirit that fuels me. He ignites something within, he pushes me, he inspires me and he moves me, as a friend, a daughter, a creative and just as a human in general. So for that I will forever be grateful, and I will forever be able to smile because throughout his entire life Matty would do everything he could to make those he loved smile.

I wanted to share the speech I gave at Matthew's funeral, as I'm quite proud of it and I truly think it speaks to Matty's spirit. I hope you don't mind. It's pretty unconventional for a "funeral speech", but Matty was a pretty unconventional guy. We're a pretty unconventional bunch, my family and I, so I suppose it's fitting. I will leave you to read this, and if you could send a kiss to the sky for my darling Matty boy, my sweet baby brother, I would forever be grateful.

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I think the one thing I've heard over the last few days, is how Matthew’s smile was as big as his heart, and how terribly contagious it was – regardless of how goofy it may have been. I was constantly reminded of how much light that grin could bring, even though I will never need to be reminded, because that’s not a grin, or a soul, that one could possibly ever forget.

One of the steps in planning a funeral is picking music, and we all know, or at least should have an inkling by the way Matty’s headphones are set up on his ashes, how much Matty just adored his music. And though we haven’t used this particular song for anything, I wanted to read out a couple lyrics from Phil Collins’ You’ll Be in My Heart. Though on its own it is a beautiful song, it’s also the song from Disney’s Tarzan, which Matty watched 100 times, I swear. I’m sure we’re all familiar with the song, but it goes:

For one so small, you seem so strong. My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm. This bond between us, can’t be broken. I will be here, don’t you cry. Because you’ll be in my heart. Yes, you’ll be in my heart. From this day on, Now and forevermore, You’ll be in my heart. No matter what they say, You’ll be here in my heart. Always.

I know they’re cheesy, I know it’s not easy to accept that these words are so perfect for Matty because it speaks to how much we long for him. And I know it’s so easy to dwell on tragedy, but we simply must fight to find rainbows amongst rain and stars amongst darkness, for we need to remind ourselves of what it is that Matty would want us to do.

You know, Bobby has shared one of many stories he has of Matty, and my dad will, I’m sure, tell you at least one or two, but I wanted to save my stories of Matty for what will be my many walks down memory lane. I want to save my stories to share over pints, on special occasions, on any random day of the week and really just for the rest of my life. Matty’s stories will forever be my go-to party-trick, as most of them are either unbelievable or simply hilarious.

What I wanted to do today was really embody was it was, or is, to live like Matty. I want to share what I think would have been his Manifesto to life – his guidelines, you know? It’s hard because we never truly get over great losses – they carve us into the humans that we choose to become. And if we could all be a little bit more like Matty (in most ways), I think our worlds would all be a little bit brighter. So I’ve taken the liberty to come up with what I think a manifesto to Matty’s life would look like – Matty, I hope we’re both on the same page here, my darling boy:

. When riding shotgun, one must always be willing to bust a move. No, you’re not allowed to care who may witness these moves

. One must not ever be able to tell a lie. And if one attempts to do so, one must realize that they are absolutely garbage at it and just give up then and there

. One must be willing to make friends with any and every human being on this planet. Humans have a funny way of surprising you, so be open to new faces and learn to accept everyone for who they are.

. When laughing, laugh with your whole body, until your cheeks hurt and you’ve lost your breath to laughter. It truly is the only way.

. When playing video games, it is absolutely vital to yell the most offensive and foul insults to your opponent. There is simply no other way you could possibly win.

. When one cuddles, hugs or embraces another individual, one must wrap their entire body around this individual. One must hold that hug or embrace longer and tighter than your average hug, because that is how Matty hugged – that is how Matty always hugged

. When one thinks of their parents or guardians, they must think of them as their whole world. Matty’s hero was my dad, and his whole heart was my mum.

. When one smiles, one must smile the biggest of grins the face allows. Though none of us could smile the way or as big as Matty did, we have to train ourselves to try.

. When one finds out that a family member or dear friend is dating someone new, one must threaten the life of that new someone. And then proceed to become best friends with them, as Matty always loved the people we loved.

. One must accept the fact that Ketchup is its own food group, and when one thinks they may have had their daily quota of this beautiful, red condiment, one must recognize that there is no such thing as a daily quota – add more. Always add more.

. Lastly, one must always, always, always cheer for LFC – the greatest football club in the world. The boys in red must be recognized as brothers and our LFC jerseys must be worn with a sense of pride and family, because as we all know, you’ll never walk alone.

Matty – you will NEVER walk alone, kid. I love you to absolute bits and pieces. I cannot wait to tell your story for the rest of my life. And I cannot wait to take on many adventures in your name. I’ve already warned mum and dad that there is a trip that will be planned in your honor. 

So, my darling baby brother, fly high, take those skies by storm, free yourself and please, Matthew Wright, watch over us all, as you are going to make one hell of an angel. Until we meet again, my sweet boy. 

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MPW
1994 - 2015